Aim for Balance, Oh the anxiety!

Just putting it out there, I’m absolutely petrified at all of the future decisions I’ll need to make as a new mother. Apparently, this is normal.

One aspect that is weighing heavily on my mind is when to return to work after having a baby. I used to get anxiety leaving my dog at home by itself let alone a human that I created!

On top of that, I have extra anxiety about the experiences I learnt about today after researching for facts on pregnancy and gastric sleeve operations.  I don’t like to admit I have some rose coloured glasses on when I think about the “best case senario” of bringing a new life into the world.

Placing my rose coloured glasses on, I’d have a non complicated and no longer than 8 hour natural birth, I’ll look as amazing as Kate Middleton did the next day after giving birth, then when bub comes to my breast, milk will magically appear as its meant to and breast feeding is a breeze, my pack of 20 cloth nappies with funky colours will be easy to use and WON’T leak out poo, down the bubs leg, my baby won’t get nappy rash,  he won’t have any birth defects, won’t need any minor operations within the first 12 months of birth, I won’t get any post natal depression or anxiety, all of the beautiful organic products I’ll be using on their sensitive skin won’t have any reactions, no colic, and My son will generally be a happy, easy going, chilled out baby. Look, if I get 50% of that to come true, I’ll be stoked!

Today after researching about pregnancy and having a gastric sleeve, I find out a few statements. I wouldn’t call them “facts” yet but “experiences” of many other mothers going through similar situations as me.

Having gastric sleeve was linked to higher chance of needing a C section.  My heart sank, I really want to at least give it a good shot having a natural birth.

Many women who have a gastric sleeve didn’t breastfeed, as milk simply didn’t appear. My heart is heavy.

Higher rates of early delivery and smaller babies.  Well as long as he doesn’t come too early. Will cross my fingers to give birth more than 37 weeks, the last 4 weeks are pretty powerful and it would be handy for many financial reasons to come as close to my due date as possible! ( is that bad to say?)

Completely not sleeve related but, the decisions around being a working mother. Honestly,  I have currently have 2 jobs and study: wouldn’t go to the extreme of saying I’m a workaholic, but I’m sure not afraid of putting in the hours. ( I really like holidays, clothes, travel and good food!)

Oh my goodness, I’m frantically looking at all of my options: Do I aim to start a online business and pray that I become one of the TINY percentage of actual successful entrepreneurs on the World Wide Web. Do I continue ‘working for the man’ in a job that  I really do adore but will you ever really ‘get ahead’ in life without taking some decent financial risks.

Baby brain. I’m one of those people that REALLY like sleep and have fuzzy brain till 10am at the best of times if I don’t get a solid 8 hour sleep, let alone needing to get up every 4 hours ( best case scenario) to feed bub and then actually get back to sleep at a decent hour. How on earth will I be a good employee with practically baby fuzzy not enough sleep brain?

Most of all, will I bond, adore and be a terrific mother to my son. Will I surround him with positive role models around him?  Yes, I’m nearly 35 and have wanted this for over a decade- but that doesn’t mean you will be good at it.

Will my girlfriends that don’t have kids, still want to hang out with me?  It’s natural for your circle of friends to change when you become a first time mum, but sure is scary!

Reaching expectations, your own and everyone around you. Am I just setting myself up to fail in a really big way? Or will it be as joyful as my rose coloured glasses appear it to be. I’m sure the joys will outweigh the hard times.

I’m only half way through my pregnancy  and especially in the afternoons: I feel like a huge whale! Will I loose all the baby weight, especially if I can’t breastfeed due to no milk arriving. Will my lower back continue to not be very sore so I’ll have no troubles lifting up and carrying the baby? ( I have quiet bad disk degeneration in my lower back that gave me allot of grief whe I was 35kg heavier)

How will I look after the baby if I injure my lower back?  Oh my goodness, I need to ensure I have a great support system around me.

Ok, now that my heart rate has increased after thinking about all of these senarios, that are completely out of my control ( or are they?) now that I’ve decided to follow my hearts desire and bear a child. I think I’ll just finish nibbling on this cake that I couldn’t fit in at the Christmas party that I attended this evening ( that I snuck out of at 7.45 stating I needed a nap, not far from the truth!) and just feel grateful for all that I do have.  An above award job that I quiet enjoy, access to education, air con, a car that runs, house with lovely pets, great friends and family around me. Oh, the gratitude!

Ahhhhh.. That a calm sigh, as my heart rate decreases as I take gratitude for everything that is good in my life.

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