Suggestions on how to deal with being a Twinless Twins while pregnant.

Living day by day with the fact that you will never see a loved one in person for the rest of your life because they have died changes you as a person. If you are lucky enough to remember dreams they appear, I feel you are blessed and there is a good chance the energy of your loved one is not far.
Your life ends up in 2 parts, before they passed and after they passed. When you lose someone close to you, especially a close family member its hard to put into words how you get by, day by day. But you do. One way to describe grief are in waves, just like the ocean. Some days are calm, some are stormy, and some are an intense hurricane. The build up to Anniversaries and birthdays are triggers of extra waves of grief and after a while you adjust the sails to cope. In this blog I’ll briefly suggest ways that I used to “adjust the sails”
Nearly 3 years ago, my twin sister died unexpected. Out of the blue.
Her name is Tara.
I had my regrets, not seeing her enough as I lived interstate, not creating enough “moments”, leaving a week early from my holidays because of a silly reason, my dog was digging up the rose garden so I had a knee jerk reaction and booked a flight home early and took her with me, not realising it would be the last time I see Tara alive. However the main regret was, that any of my children, the entire next generation of our family will have never met this remarkable and beautiful soul.
They will see photos, they will hear stories, they will watch treasured videos of Tara- but they would have never have met her and felt her energy or one of her signature bear hugs. That thought brings me to tears every time.
I’m currently 6 months pregnant with my son, and its not just the hormones that are giving me another “wave” of grief.
My sister had cerebral palsy ( CP) and epilepsy that meant she needed a full time carer to assist her day by day. My mother was her main carer and did a terrific job for over 30 years. When I was baby sitting some children last night, I helped them get dressed, and had flash backs of helping my sister get dressed. As I chopped up their food, just like we did for Tara I had flash backs of this also. My sister chewed her food very loud, and these kids did the same. Last night, as I held the youngest and sang a lullaby softly for her to go to sleep, I recalled when I would sing to my sister when we were really young. As I put Miss 2 to bed and sang the same song that my father would sing my sister every night before going to bed, I smiled. I’ll be doing this with my own child soon. That warmed my heart.
I realised at that moment so many extra times I’m going to think about my sister after my son is born. It wouldn’t only be every time I heard a song from Pink or Missy Higgins, ( or the other 10 her so songs that remind me of her) it wouldn’t be whenever I saw a purple butterfly, Elmo, get my nails done her favourite colour purple or whenever I see her name tattooed on my wrist, attend a yoga class or when I look at her art either on my walls or my fridge. On top of all of those moments of reflection, I also have a son to remind me of the simple life.
My sister had a intellectual disability so enjoyed Elmo, art, singing, dancing and spent hours flicking through magazines and sometimes picking out random ( or not so random) images and had them cut out and turned into cards. I’m sure I’m going to spend many hours doing similar things with my child, the power of play and how kids learn and refine their fine motor skills from painting, cutting, and interacting with others. I look forward to embracing Tara’s love of creating art with the assistance of my child.
I read this post on Face book yesterday that explains a lot.
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not get over the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You ill be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to be” Author Unknown.
I’m part of a beautiful community called “Twinless Twins” who are a group of people who are very supportive and are the only ones that truly know what its like to loose a twin sister or brother. I’m so glad I found them via Face book just after my twin passed. There are millions out there living as a twin less twin and if we can share our positive experiences to give hope that yes you will get through this, you will survive, you will adapt to a new normal. My blogging time has been worthwhile.
While being hit with the intensity of loosing your twin I’m really proud of myself for the coping mechanisms that I used throughout it, that I’ll blog about in the future. Dedication workouts, music therapy, self improvement, deciding to be as proactive as possible to realise what your “heart desires” and passions are and go for it, to say Yes rather than No more, to acknowledge how quickly life passes us by and if you truly want to do something create it, no matter what. To take risks, work hard, and most of all create beautiful memories with family and friends. Instead of spending nights at home watching re runs of sensationalised bullshit, feed your mind with positive, informative visions and information that makes you the best person you can be.
If situations arise that are unexpected, embrace them and be appreciative that they have appeared- see everything as a gift not a hinder.
Seranna’s tips to grief the most positive ways possible.
Self care. Have regular massages and see a Dr to have regular check ups. You are worthy. Regular exercise assisted in keeping me focused, mainly because while I was exercising I dedicated it to my twin. It was my way of taking time to reflect, admire and grieve. You would regularly see me listening to her funeral music while running on the treadmill, sometimes with tears streaming down my face. Might work for you.
Jump on that wave of grief and ride it. Don’t push it aside and deal with it 20 years later. Talk about your loved one. Spend time looking at photos that trigger happy memories. Reflect and recall their names. If you get upset, it will happen- It will happen less over time.
Sing and Dance. Either in your car, at a nightclub or in your own home. Celebrate their life and their achievements. Remember how they made you feel.
Don’t be afraid to cry. Release and be kind to everyone around you, especially to those reaching out to you.
Plant a tree, buy a memorial seat or plaque in special place of reflection. Tara has one in a Botanical Garden in her honour, do some gardening, train for a challenge you have never tried before ( I rode 300km over 3 days as a non cyclist) but be careful you don’t burn out.
Finally, something that worked for me. Blog. Write. It’s very therapeutic to get your thoughts down on paper and story telling is such a remarkable tool both personally and professionally. It may help going through similar situations and that is something special.
Every ones journey is different and my grief journey is going to get a lot more interesting with this new chapter presenting itself!
I hope these suggestions are helpful and you can forward this blog to someone who might benefit from hearing about this.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s