Half way, yet the beginning.

This is something I’ve been meaning to do for years, if not decades.

Now, half way through my pregnancy with my first child and studying professional writing there is no way to get out of putting ‘pen to paper’ as its a requirement of my study to start a blog and a great excuse to start documenting this special journey!

I’ve considered the theme of this blog, what on earth could I contribute to the World Wide Web?  As a “30 something” female living in a small city in Northern Australia, on a journey of facing my fears… This could get interesting!

In Feburary 2013, my world changed forever with the death of my twin sister, Tara Lynn.

This has changed my life, in many aspects.

Both of my grandparents are alive, together with my parents and I had never loss anyone so close. A death this close and so unexpected  rattled me to the core.

This opened up my life to the world of being a twinless twin, a journey that no one should endure. But they do, thousands of people all around the world of various ages are faced with this pain. There is a huge part of the population in so much daily pain, living without their “other half”.

There wasn’t many times that I regretted not having children, I had always planned to have children, yet now after the passing of my twin it was a painful regret.

Instead of increasing my drinking, going a little crazy and doing silly things like quiting my job and basically loosing my mind, I carefully and intentionally used the strong power of grieving to tackle my biggest fears, including basic fears of writing. Leaving school     early, very frustrated with the system that didn’t support my unique learning style and I never really facing my lack of confidence of writing, even though really enjoying the process.

Not long ago I was quiet overweight, with ongoing health problems like disk degeneration in my lower back, infertility and generally having a on going battle of the bulge.  I had already started a typical New Years workout program in 2013, after Tara’s death I quickly needed to shake off off the stress and I started doing “dedication work outs” that was similar to setting time aside, thinking about Tara, talking to her, recalling memories, while listening to her favourite songs, going to the gym and going hard. Thanks to pre gym work out!

Yes, doing frantic workouts while listening to her funeral music. Bizarre when you write it out like that. I did this for about 18 months. The same songs over and over again. From Pink, Missy Higgins, Kate Miller-Heidke, and one of the last bands she danced to for the last time, The Lumineers.

I also started cycling and kept using my sisters determination as a “no excuses” motivation.

I said yes to many things I wouldn’t dare do and I’ve never looked back with the new way at looking at the world. I was now closer to my mid 30’s, had to be quiet mature about this situation- there was no way I was going to have a melt down and let depression overcome me like it had in the past.  I was aiming high for the complete opposite.

After my beloved twin died, the reality that no one in our families next generation would experience my sisters pure joy for life, they would not hear her laugh, feel one of her unforgiving strong bear hugs, hear her say “I love you” and “thank you” or genuinely be totally inspired about her daily pure motivation to overcome her disabilities.

The night before Tara passed away, I was spending time in a town called Katherine and I was incredibly emotional, I was trying to loose weight to improve my fertility as I had been having ongoing fertility issues. The night my sister unexpectedly died, I said to myself, it’s all too hard. Just give up on the idea of having a family. I recall going for a walk, I was wearing a yellow work out outfit and it must had been a full moon or something and I started crying so hard, after that thought.

The type of crying that I’d never really felt, however shortly after became a very regular action in my life. That feeling that you have so much internal pain in your life at that exact moment, that it literally takes away your breath, as you start to hyperventilate and ask something, anything to take that emotional pain to be taken away. There were many moments I could easily turned to drugs to dim the pain.

I felt that feeling twice in a very short time, within hours. The moment I said, fine I give up on trying to start a family, the on going pain of being frustrated every single month, then about 12 hours later when my brother called and told me that my twin sister had passed away, I felt it again. The shock, the intense feeling of so many feelings. Love, guilt, regret, unbearable sadness. It’s hard to explain.

Tomorrow I’m going to have my 20 week scan, and find out the sex of my first child. I’m so excited. I first thought bub was a girl, then most people have said its a boy, now I’m unsure, so keen to know so I can figure out what name is best for this little miracle.

I believe in guardian angels, I believe in recarnation and I know Tara would be so proud, so happy and would had enjoyed being a Aunty so much. This is when I wish I didn’t wait 15 or so extra years so have my first child, but it is what it is.

This pregnancy, my first child that would be born around the time of my twins 3rd year anniversary of her death and has impacted  on my on-going grief journey, perhaps in a positive way. With many day dreams of what it will be like to be a mother,  breast feeding this much wanted child in the nursery themed as Elmo, my twins faverite character and hoping to feel her presence in the most special times.

As im writing this, the Bub has started doing handstands, well it feels like it, out of the 6 or so hours a day he or she is awake, I’m liking the timing of these kicks and moving around!

This blogs theme will be a mixture of the joys of a new born, the struggle of being a new mum,  the mixed feelings of after loosing 33kg in the past year, intentionally to improve my fertility and now slowly putting back on at least a quarter of that loss and within a election year here in the NT, I’m sure I’ll add in there some points of view of a socialist mum! Please join me in my journey!